Let's Talk About Men & Mental Health

A few weeks ago, I asked the men who follow me on Instagram (mostly friends and family), some questions about men’s mental health, wanting to get their perspective. Only 3 people responded, and one was a woman. Of the 3 people who responded, only 1 answered all of my questions (also the woman). This made it quite clear to me that I’d have to take a different approach if I actually wanted to know more. So I asked some of my friends if they’d be open to talking over the phone, and that seemed to work. I also spoke to some guys in person and heard their thoughts as well. Here are just a few of my takeaways from those conversations.

1. Men are not opposed to discussing their mental health.

There is this misconception that men don’t want to talk about mental health and that’s just not the case. I spoke to a few different guys about this and have had multiple conversations with men over the years about mental health matters. They can actually be just as vulnerable and open as anyone else if given the space to do so safely.

2. Many environments are not conducive to facilitating genuine conversations on men’s mental health.

This includes group settings with a mix of genders, spaces that are specifically for men, and one-on-one conversations. And this largely seems to be a result of how people are socialized (what we are taught to think and believe about how to behave in society) with respect to expressing emotions. It’s generally seen as not masculine to talk about one’s emotions openly, so many men don’t. And when someone finally does, it is often met with contempt, invalidation, and mockery. And it is important to note that this not only comes from other men, but women as well, solidifying the fact that this is a societal issue and not just a problem for men to “get over”. 

3. Language matters. 

Because of some of the issues mentioned in the previous point - as well as a current trend of mental health language being weaponized against people, often men - the use of overly clinical language, or popularized mental health terms that are frequently used out of proper context, can be a barrier to effectively engaging in conversations about what men think, how they feel, and how they act. In speaking with the guys in my circle, I’ve noticed that how I phrase a question makes a difference in the response I get, or if I get one at all. A change as simple as going from “how do you take care of your mental health” to “what do you do to relax after a hard week” makes a difference. Granted, this is not limited to men, as the language of “mental health" feels foreign to many people, but it’s especially worth mentioning in this discussion. Even going from “feelings” based language to “thinking” or “action” based language can be quite helpful.

So then, what should be done differently? Aside from what I’ve already mentioned about adjusting language and approach. Well, when I told a friend that I spoke to multiple guys about this topic he was surprised and felt that I happened to know a lot of guys who are open to these discussions. But I’m not so sure that’s accurate. The guys I know aren’t some special breed of man. I am aware that people are often more inclined to open up to me because I’m a therapist. However, these same people aren’t necessarily seeking out help or therapy when we speak, and I’m certainly not doing therapy with them. What I AM doing is: a) Listening without judgement, b) Genuinely trying to understand what they’re saying, and c) Making changes where I can. People respond well when we are genuine, empathetic, and prove these things through our actions. Doing this requires putting aside our biases and what we’ve been taught to believe. It requires unlearning and relearning, and building trust. And all of that takes TIME. The title of therapist gives me a head start compared to most, but this is not some impossible task that only some people can accomplish. And even with my role, I still have to prove myself trustworthy and safe. And while this post is specific to men, these principles apply to everyone. The more we show up for people with empathy, genuine care and curiosity, and show a willingness to change, the better off we will all be.

I'm still on a journey of learning and growing, and would love to hear more thoughts. So if you have any contributions or questions, please share them in the comments section below!